I miss my dad every single day. I don't go through a day without thinking of him or mentioning of him. Everything I see, everything I do brings back a memory involving him.
My mom is truly a pillar of strength. I aspire to be as strong as her, when I grow up, yet I know I will most likely to fail miserably. I am beyond appreciative of my dad's true friends who calls my mom regularly to check in on her. She misses my dad. She's very subtle about it.
The last few weeks I've been thinking about my dad's final days. I wonder if I had done enough for him to make him comfortable. I wonder if he knew how much I loved him. I wonder if he knew how much he had meant to me. I wonder if he knew how much I would miss him. I have also been thinking how he was 'last year at this time.' I wonder if I could have saved him. If I could have prolonged his life just a little bit longer. I wonder if I took better care of him, if we could have caught his cancer earlier and had it treated. I wonder . . .
It's crazy how someone always seems to be worth 'more' after their death. I use to be annoyed by my dad's daily phone calls, but now I wish I could just get one more call so I could hear his voice. I use to be frustrated with my dad's opinion on everything and anything I did, but now I wish he was still here to give me his opinions. I miss his touch; I miss his voice; I miss his laughter; I miss his snoring; I miss his smell; simply put, I miss absolutely everything about him.
The value of gong gong has also gone up for Oliver and Ethan. Oliver was always scared of gong gong, but now he affectionately blows kisses to photos of my dad. He loves going to the flower shop with me to pick flowers for my dad. When we get to my dad's plot, Ollie is always the first one to pull out any stray grasses to make sure it's not blocking my dad's plate. Whenever he sees stars or rainbows, he automatically says that gong gong is saying HI to him. Whenever we are by the cemetery he always say hi and tells him where we are going and that we will visit him soon. Ollie is very excited to make gong gong a rainbow loom bracelet.
Ethan was always my dad's favourite. Ethan and my dad definitely spent more time together and had bonded. With each passing day, he is more and more like my dad. I see my dad in him. He misses my dad so so very much. When I give him his good night kiss and cuddles, he would tell me he misses gong gong. Me too, kid...me too.
I can't believe it's been 6 months since he's been gone. I can't believe that life moves on...time goes on...I just want for a brief moment for time to stand still . . . so I can cherish, so I can mourn, so I can still be close to him....
I love you daddy!
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